A Partner Who is Addicted to Alcohol or Drugs

If your partner is an alcoholic or drug abuser there are many ways in which you can take action to help them. You may find it difficult getting them to quit without the involvement of a specialist self-help organisation. If you or your children are experiencing abuse or violence then you should take immediate action to protect yourselves (read our article Escaping Abusive Relationships for more information).

Managing Your Behaviour

If your partner is having problems with drink or drugs it is only natural that you should want to help them. Their behaviour has an emotional effect on you and your family. Therefore it is easy to find yourself being dragged into the problems they are creating. But their abuse is their problem alone. The better you can behave with this idea in mind the better able they will be to take responsibility for their actions.

The basic rule is to try to stay detached. Of course this can be difficult and you may find yourself playing a role towards your partner. This in turn could help fuel their pattern of abuse. The typical roles partners find themselves playing unwittingly as a response to substance addiction fall into a few basic categories:

• The Rescuer – If he falls asleep on the lawn she will tidy him up and carry him into bed. She will lie to neighbours to avoid embarrassment. Anything to stop things becoming ‘a problem’.
• The Provoker – She will wait for him to come home and give him hell. She will scold, belittle and nag him, tell her friends what a loser he is and threaten to leave. She never lets it go.
• The Martyr – She is ashamed of him and lets him see that she is. She sulks, pouts and cries to her friends (if she's not too embarrassed). She will become increasingly depressed and withdrawn as the abuse continues.

Spotting your own behaviour is an important step in making the necessary changes for yourself and the relationship. Give yourself a pat on the back for doing so and get on with the painful process of spotting it when you are actually doing it. You may find it easy to detach, or you might find it very hard to do. At the end of the day it will be of benefit to yourself and your family, no matter how immediately painful it might seem.

Organisations That Can Help

Your partner will probably find it helpful to contact an organisation that specialises in substance abuse to change their behaviour. Obviously, alcohol or drug dependencies will produce different behaviour and symptoms. There a number of organisations that specialise in helping with specific forms of abuse, and they share similar methodologies. www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk and www.al-anonuk.org.uk both provide help relating to alcohol abuse. If you find it hard persuading your partner to see them, you can go along yourself for a family group meeting. The meetings provide a useful forum in which to gain understanding and feel understood. Participants refer to having acquired ‘true perspective’ or ‘serenity’ as a result. Alcoholics Anonymous also have a helpline: 0845 769 7555.

Narcotics Anonymous (www.ukna.org) provide a similar service for drug abusers. As with the above organisations, there is a spiritual aspect to their programme, but it is independent of any particular faith. You can go along and observe as a non-addict, but will not be able to contribute to the discussion. For immediate advice over the phone you can call the National Drugs Helpline on 0800 776 600.

Talking About it

Unless your relationship is so bad that you find it impossible to talk your partner, you should arrange to sit down and discuss the problem in an open and honest way. Give each other time to talk and show that you have listened and understood. Setting a precedent of openness creates an environment in which problems can be more easily solved. If you are thinking about separation, it will also help you to maintain a civil relationship through the divorce process.